Doubts

The last week has gone by in one big haze for me. I don't know why, but I am having a hard time dealing with the Nathan's passing. I am not sleeping well. I am letting my boys get away with murder, I just want to spoil them LOL. I didn't know Nathan - on a personal level - very well. I hardly got to see him due to my busy schedule with my own three kids, and they were even busier with treatments etc. Although his strong spirit touched me deeply, I suppose my heart is breaking more for Luke, Susan, Julia and Lauren's loss? I am also angry. I couldn't help but sit in the church during the memorial service and wonder if there was even a God at all. How could any good God rip a child away from it's parents? Make him go through so much pain during his time here on earth? Rob him of being a normal, carefree, child? Rip a little girl's best friend away from her? I can see how comforting religion was to people at the memorial service, and know why people may believe. I suppose I do believe, but just seeing Nathan's fight and will to live life and to see the look of pain in his parents' faces, has me seriously doubting. HOW? WHY? What is this "plan" of God's that people speak of? I just don't understand....

On a lighter note, Maxx amazed me last week. I told him of Nathan's passing a few days after the fact. When I first told him, he just said "OK" and went back to playing. I was sure he didn't understand, nor feel any compassion. Then the next day he started asking me all sorts of questions. The part of this conversation that I remember most is...

Maxx - "Mom? Did that boy Nathan go 'up' or 'down'?"
Me - "He went 'UP' to Heaven."
Maxx - "But don't they bury people when they die?"
Me - "Yes, but that's just their BODY. Their SPIRITS go to Heaven."
Maxx - "I don't understand..."
Me - "It's hard to explain. Your spirit is you, INSIDE your body."
Maxx - "Oh. Well since Nathan went UP, I know what he is doing...... he is a Truck Driver in Heaven."
Me - "How do you know that?"
Maxx - "Because when you go to Heaven, you get to do your favorite things. Nathan really liked trucks, so I think he is a truck driver... and a dad."

There's much more to the conversation after that, one that I will always remember. I just thought it was SO sweet that Maxx remembered Nathan's passion for trucks and tractors.

Also note that although I doubt God's existence, I still use those beliefs to explain the situation to my son. Although I have my doubts, I guess it still rings true to me? I am just angry...