Gramma

Let me preface this with this. I know that I am not eloquent with my words whatsoever and I don't think I can quite describe my thoughts and feelings as they truly are. I just need to let some things out...

My grandmother passed away on Friday, August 17th. She is better known as "Gramma" to me. Yesterday was her funeral. The day proved to be much more difficult for me than I thought it would be. I had to stay strong and put together on the outside, but on the inside I was broken to pieces. The drive home was most difficult since I was in the "privacy" of my own car, only I had to hold it together so I could drive and get home to my boys. I just wanted to squeeze them when I got home. Of course I walked in on utter chaos when I got home and I just wanted to curl up into a ball and grieve. Back to reality.

Gramma Ackelson was always my favorite and I'd like to think that we were pretty close, although the past few years we haven't spoken as much as I'd like. (we'd seen each other even less since we haven't been in the same town for 5+ years now) She lived a very full, 79 years. I was in awe of all the people at her funeral and the kind words and tears offered by church officials that had only met her in recent years. She had such a zest for life and was so loving and open. I want to be like her when I grow up. ;)

My uncle Denny told me something that I so desperately want to believe but am not sure. He said that I was Grandma's favorite grandchild. That she was always talking about me, always so proud of me and that my name was "always on the tip of her tongue." I told him he was just saying that to flatter me, but he insisted it was true. I am not sure what to believe, but she was my favorite grandparent.

I got to have a nice visit with her on June 23rd. I'd stopped in the morning after my 10 year highschool reunion. It was a good visit. She was her old, feisty self. I didn't let myself believe that it was the last time I'd see her, but I hugged her as tight as her frail body could take and told her I loved her. I have some regrets about things though. I should have called her more. I should have tried to make it up there to see her one more time. I should have let her see the kids just one more time...

She will be greatly missed. I can't imagine holidays without her. It will feel empty without her there. She was the glue that held us together. But I will also miss her on a day to day basis. I miss her so much already.

This has not been a good summer with two, tragic deaths and all. Although I have to say it's been a big reality check for me. I cherish what I have so much more and hold my kids tighter. I am so greatfull for what I have and can only have more hope for the future.