Stirring the pot

Not sure if the title of this blog posts fits what I am about to post, but oh well, I know I am not so graceful with words. ;)

Yesterday was my Aunt Linda's funeral. She passed away from Lou Gerrick's Disease on Feb 17th, 2009, at the age of 64, exactly 19 years to the day, after my grandmother (her mother) passed away. I didn't think I was very sad about it, because she suffered so much before passing away, and is now free from that, but apon arriving at the church, I realized I was wrong. I wasn't very close to her, but I always longed for her approval and friendship. She really was a great person and a shining light to all those she met. Her immediate family is VERY close so it was hard to watch them all greive, especially Uncle Dave. She was his LIFE. He is the sweetest uncle I have ever had, and it was hard watching him being forced to say goodbye. It was so dramatic that it was like watching scenes straight out of a movie, but of course being there and feeling the pain, it was all very real. God Bless his poor soul. After having a quadruple bypass surgery just a few years ago, I can see him following her soon.

The services brought up a slew of emotions I'd rather keep surpressed. Lots of feelings of being left out, looked down apon and flat out excluded from all of my mother's side of the family came to its ugly head. Even though I do not judge them on a day like yesterday, when they are greiving the loss of my aunt. And they all had so many beautiful words to say about Linda, which she deserved! But I couldn't help but think "What would I say at my own mother's funeral?" That realization and guilt for having those thoughts and feelings are tearing me apart. I love my mom for giving birth to me, raising me and for all that she DID do, but there was also SO SO much that she didn't do. And many things that she SHOULDN'T have done... and it still continues on. I honestly cannot think of anything positive to say, and I feel SO guilty thinking these things. And how can I be a good mother, when I was raised the way I was? How can I rise above all of that? I know I am not a bad mother, and that I have already rose above that, but I definitely have many moments where I see my mother in me.

Such a mixture of emotions that have been stirred up. I hope that I can make the dust settle soon so I can focus on rising above it all.